I will always remember what Spurgeon said about Ps. 23:4...

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the SHADOW of death, I will fear no evil." Ps. 23:4

"It is only the SHADOW of death. It feels like death, but it isn't. And if physical death comes, for the Christian it is not death at all. It is only the "shadow of death"....for there is life forevermore with the Lord."

Preface to My Blog

This blog is made up of little "meditations" I've written throughout the years of the worst of my illness that I made into a "book" once. The title to my devotional "book" was "My E. I. Story Through Meditations and Prayers (For Women)".

"Then they that feared the LORD SPAKE often one TO ANOTHER: and the LORD hearkened, and heard it, and a book of remembrance was written before him for them that feared the LORD, and that THOUGHT upon his NAME." (Mal. 3:16)

Ask yourself a question about this verse: What do you think the Christians spoke about? Meditate on the last phrase!

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To those of you who have experienced the "GREAT EXCHANGE" - (Our sin on Christ -His righteousness on us) (Term coined by Dr. John Piper):

Dear Sisters,

I believe it was 1996 when I read a book which changed my life, and I was encouraged to do "word studies" and "prayer journaling" on Scripture. It has been such a blessing to me, and I feel that God wants me to share the "blessings" with you.

Many of my prayers are kind of "personal" and show my "sin of fear" as well, but I am
reminded that we are to "confess our faults to one another" that we might be healed. Maybe the Lord knew I needed to go through these "scary" things to deal with this problem in my life...which I am still working on. :) Other prayers are testimonies of God's wonderful grace to me and His answers to my prayers. As I share them, I pray that you will be able to receive them in that light, not in the spirit of pride, but as testimonies of God's wonderful mercy and goodness to me. My written prayers are usually "laced" with special Scriptures that the Lord has laid upon my heart, and because they have "touched" my heart, I hope that they will "touch" your heart as well.

I hesitate to share my "meditations" sometimes. It's always a risk to share one's heart, especially with those you don't know well. I have been hurt in the past by those who have used my "confessions" against me, but I really feel that God wants me to do this....to share my "story" and what God was showing me as I advanced with this "crazy illness". I'm thinking that it just might encourage some of you to know that others have been down the same road.

I believe we can only grow as sisters when we can openly and honestly share our hearts, sins and victories, sorrows and joys! I do hope that when you read of the "victories" that God has given me, that this will encourage you, but please know that I am far, far from being what I ought to be, and that it seems that the Lord is only in the "beginning stages" of teaching me what it means to walk in the power of His Spirit. I am so thankful that God's work in me has truly made me a different person from what I was many years ago before my marriage, but there is still so much remaining sin! God's "searchlight" on me is beginning to reveal the deep pride and selfishness of my heart. My heart is still so wicked! I am always greatly encouraged, though, when I read Psalm 84:11b- "The Lord WILL give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly." I have fallen again and again, but I am reminded of Proverbs 24: 16a -"For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again..." I am "upright" only because I am covered by Christ's blood, by God's grace, but the promise IS to me! HOLINESS in my life is God's will for me. It is the good thing that I am seeking, by His grace. So the promise is to YOU and to ME. If we are truly in Christ, He WILL increase our
righteousness! What a HAPPY thought! Let's praise Him together! I would be absolutely THRILLED to hear your "meditations" and testimonies, too!

So HOW has God ordained that we should be made holy, purified, consecrated? It comes through the careful STUDY of WORDS - God's WORDS. As we imbibe His words and their meanings, God works surrender in our hearts and a sweet EXPERIENCE WITH HIM. Jesus said, "Sanctify them through thy truth: thy WORD is truth"(Jn. 17:17), so those who are
REALLY in the WORD have a special promise and assurance from God that they have an everlasting INHERITANCE (possession) of HIM and that they are being slowly sanctified.


Before we start, let me explain HOW I "meditate". Perhaps you will find my method helpful in your study as well. First, I usually take a passage, and then I take one verse at a time (usually just one or two a day). I have a Thompson Chain Reference Bible, so it has little
topics by each verse about what that verse is about. I enjoy looking up the verses that deal with that topic. You could probably use a Topical Bible to do this as well. Then I look up "Key" words in that verse in the Strong's Concordance. Finding the meanings is REALLY
INTERESTING sometimes! Then I take the verse and pray it to God and usually apply it to my life for that day in whatever I'm going through. Application to life is what makes Bible Study so much FUN, isn't it?

The best way to get the most out of this is to open your own Bible and read the verse or verses and look for the KEY words and "meditate" or "chew" on those words yourself BEFORE you read how God has blessed me with them. I would love to hear some of your
thoughts and how God is applying them to your life as well today! Originally I walked through whole Psalms, and it seemed like God kept bringing circumstances in my life to line up exactly with the verse for the day. It was amazing! But then we DO have an amazing God! :) Don't we?

I will try my best not to overwhelm you with too much at one time. I will post some excerpts (special verses) from the Psalms, but sometimes I'll need to post whole Psalms as the "meditation" is a unit of thought.

I have been told that it is not proper to use capital letters in e-mail, but I humbly ask that you will please pardon me here for doing so. Know that I am not screaming, but I use the capitals to emphasize certain words...especially "key words" that we will be meditating on. And since this is the way I wrote them and typed them up, it would take me "forever" to "fix" them. :)

Love in Christ,

My "Story"

First I'll share my "story".


Since I come from an allergic family, I took allergy shots for awhile when I was a child. I had dust, pollen, mold, and food allergies and mild chemical sensitivities, but by the time I was a teen, I lived with bouts of sneezing and sinus problems and just went on. It wasn't too bad, but looking back on it now, I also had stomach aches, etc. but didn't associate it with allergies.

When I was pregnant with my first, we moved into a trailer that had fleas and roaches, so we
sprayed some powerful stuff that they later outlawed. I also painted the place.( Of course I knew not that I was hurting myself.) I was prone to breast infections and even had one that abcessed, so I took lots of antibiotics throughout my nursing years....

Hypoglycemia-type symptoms began to manifest themselves after several pregnancies, and after the death of my 4th baby who died of spinal meningitus, the "death-like" fatigue hit. Somehow by God's grace I made it through other difficult pregnancies and dizziness, hunger spells, weakness, fatigue, etc. I almost daily searched for answers and began knocking moldy foods, glutens, and fruits out of my diet. This helped for awhile, but later I started having panic attacks which I think now were caused by our van exhaust. After a bout with Lysol spray, I was dizzy for a month and a half and then could no longer eat any grains, dried beans, potatoes or other high carbohydrates. I lost weight and had trouble sleeping.

Still I didn't know that I had "Environmental Illness" and that I was a "universal reactor" with mercury poisoning, "leaky gut", hormone imbalance, parasites, and probably candida, although I suspected candida was part of my problem.

Down through the years I also had gas heat and pesticide exposures, and we also lived in two fairly new houses for awhile that had new carpet, pressboard, etc. And I've had lots of stress! Some of it was my own doing - like too high expectations of myself and my kids in our "homeschooling" ventures, but I also had an ADHD son (my diagnosis) and my husband was without a job for awhile, etc. Also our landlord who was letting us live in his house for free, let another family move in who highly persecuted me for awhile and had absolutely no compassion for me and my illness and my struggles.(We had to share the same kitchen and livingroom.)

After my miscarriage (9th pregnancy) in 1998, I had a severe reaction to a medication that I was taking. After that I had dysfunctional uterus, severe digestive problems, sleepless nights, chest pains, daily flu-like symptoms,etc. and full-blown MCS.

I was finally able to go to Dr. Rea's place in Dallas, and this is where I first really learned the terms E.I. and MCS....so I FINALLY had a diagnosis. By this time my nose had gone "bonkers", and I seemed to basically react to almost everything, it seemed. I read and read and was especially helped by reading Dr. Sherry Roger's book, "The E.I. Syndrome". I also found out about Share, Care, Prayer, which has been a blessing!

I have tried exercise, lots of herbs and supplements, and a little bit of sauna. I was pretty much "homebound" for years and even now to some extent (but not totally).I am doing somewhat better because of fresh air, etc.

I believe that meditating and living in the Psalms is helping to bring about a slow healing, by God's grace. I believe He has led me to some things that are helping me including olive leaf extract- East Park brand (which they say is a natural antibiotic that also kills parasites and candida and is suppose to help those with FM, I understand.) Plus I take a special probiotic, raw pancreas, Vit. C Crystals whenever I have "reactions", natural vitamins, etc., and natural bio-dentical hormones. I use to also take Formula FM, Immunepro, and trisalts.
.

My Testimony

My Testimony - Written around 2000 or before.....

I was born into a Christian home, so the 10 commandments were well-known to me, and I came to understand that I was a sinner and deserving of God's wrath as a child. But I'm not sure I understood that not only did I DO bad things, but also that I had a very wicked HEART. I'm not sure I understood that the 10 commandments were much deeper and included also the thoughts and intents of the heart...Example:

1. Thou shalt have NO OTHER GODS before me. (money, sex, sports, music,etc.)

2. Thou shalt not make UNTO THEE any GRAVEN IMAGE. (statues of Mary and saints, pictures of Jesus, etc.)

3. Thou shalt not take the NAME of the Lord thy God IN VAIN. (taking the title of Christian, but not living like Christ; cursing, etc.)

4. Remember the SABBATH day, to keep it HOLY. (delighting and resting in God, too, etc.)

5. HONOR thy father and thy mother. (inward submission, not just
outward)

6. Thou shalt NOT KILL.(satisfying your selfish desires to the physical or emotional injury of others; hating others; abortion)

7. Thou shalt not commit ADULTERY (adultery in the heart and mind also)

8. Thou shalt not STEAL. (misusing God's gifts, including time and money;plagiarism, etc.)

9. Thou shalt not bear FALSE WITNESS against thy neighbor. (lying)

10. Thou shalt not COVET. (not being content with what God has given you;desiring what others have)

But in simple child-like faith, I think I could have sung this song:

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Oh, I was very, very bad,

And I made God so mad,

And I needed a great big spanking.

But Jesus came and died,

And shed his blood for me,

And now I can jump in God's arms!

Oh, I can jump in God's arms,

And He will make me good.

I can jump in God's arms,

'Cause Jesus took my spanking for me.

When I was sorry for my bad,

Jesus turned my sad to glad,

And now I am SAFE in God's arms!

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But I didn't always feel so sure that I was REALLY saved....and maybe I really wasn't until much later. Once I wrote these words:

Lord of Glory, Lord of Wrath and Justice..but also Lord of Love...Once my sins were black as night, and although I tried with all my might to experience Your peace, I had no peace BECAUSE I felt I must DO something to experience Your smile. But in YOUR TIME, You
bestowed on me the GIFT OF FAITH and the ASSURANCE to KNOW that Christ bore Your wrath for my sins that I might experience Your love. By Your grace I was enabled to
EXPERIENCE Your complete PEACE through these precious words of the song - "NOTHING in my hand I bring. Simply to thy cross I cling." From eternity past You had a promise
for me...these words form Jer. 29:11:

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of PEACE, and not of evil, to give you an EXPECTED END."(Salvation)

And because of this very special PROMISE to me, You gave me grace throughout my early years to keep on SEEKING...to keep on praying...to keep on searching for that peace that I knew only You could give. The promise is continued in verses 12-14:

"THEN shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto You. And ye shall seek me, and FIND ME,when ye shall SEARCH for me with all your heart. And I WILL BE FOUND OF YOU, saith the LORD: and I will turn away your CAPTIVITY...."

Through YOU, dear Jesus, I have an "admission ticket" to the Father. Faith in the precious blood is my ticket, and it is because of Your wonderful grace that I can "stand" before the Father saying, "NOTHING in my hand I bring. Simply to thy cross I cling" as I REJOICE and
SING.

"I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered me with the robe of righteousness..." (Is. 61:19)

Yes, I will rejoice and know that You will get the glory for my salvation..for salvation is OF THE LORD! And yes, CHRIST IN ME is my only hope!

God is slowly drawing me out of many "waters" like Ps. 18:6 says - the "waters" of earthly pleasures, passions, possessions, and position. Psalm 107 is really my testimony! I wandered around in the wilderness"of this world especially during my teen years looking for
POPULARITY and happiness in academic excellence and music. Then during my early marriage I looked for happiness in THINGS and in the joys of love and attention from my dear, sweet husband. Also the joys of dressing up and taking pictures of my sweet babies and watching their accomplishments, especially in academic excellence as I "homeschooled" them, had my heart. I was certainly "botching up" the REASON FOR MY EXISTENCE since there was so much pride and selfishness in my heart... and WANTING MY OWN WAY. Unfortunately, GOD was not my ALL SATISFYING TREASURE.

And then...over several years' time, my life was touched with calamity - a baby that died, a near nervous breakdown, financial disaster, persecution, chronic illness. My "soul fainted" in me! Nothing mattered anymore except to LIVE IN THE ARMS OF JESUS and to MEDITATE IN HIS WORD day and night! He is becoming my "city of habitation", my "secret dwelling and hiding place"! He is becoming my "TREASURE CHEST OF HOLY JOY"! (Term coined by Dr. John Piper)

Yes, one of my favorite verses is:

Psalm 18:28


For thou wilt LIGHT MY CANDLE: the LORD my God will ENLIGHTEN MY DARKNESS.

Yes, He has LIT my candle! In the midst of great sickness, He has "set me on fire" and made His Word my DELIGHT! I believe it is the thing that is keeping me alive!


HOW SWEET

ALL AT ONCE IT WAS FOR ME
to be rid of those fruitless joys
which I had once feared to lose!..
You drove them from me,
you who are the true,
the sovereign joy.

You drove them from me and took their place,
you who are sweeter than all pleasure...

O Lord my God, my Light, my Wealth,
and my Salvation.

Augustine
Confessions, IX, I.


This poem, too is special:

"We may wait till He explains,
Because we know that Jesus reigns."

It puzzles me; but, Lord, Thou understandest,
And wilt one day explain this crooked thing.
Meanwhile, I know that it has worked out Thy best-
Its very crookedness taught me to cling.

Thou hast fenced up my ways, made my paths crooked,
To keep my wand'ring eyes fixed on Thee,
To make me what I was not, humble, patient;
To draw my heart from earthly love to Thee.

So I will thank and praise Thee for his puzzle,
And trust where I cannot understand.
Rejoicing Thou dost hold me worth such testing,
I cling the closer to Thy guiding hand.

---F.E.M.I. from the book, "Streams in the Desert" by Mrs. Charles
E. Cowman Copyright 1925 by Cowman Publications, Inc. Used by
permission of Zondervan Publishing House.

To elaborate a little more on my illness and what God is teaching me through it - This illness is bringing me to a greater place of QUIETNESS and STILLNESS before God. Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance....Illness has been and still is God's "seed bed" for learning such things!True Christianity is a NARROW road, but a HAPPY one...It's a way of submission and self- denial...

We pray for submission, and God sends SUFFERINGS; for "we learn obedience by the things we suffer... "

---Selected From "Streams in the Desert" by Mrs. Cowman Copyright
1925 by Cowman Publications, Inc. Used by pemission of Zondervan
Publishing House.

I like Spurgeon's comments also:

"...sweetened with submission....What a reason for hushing every murmuring thought is the reflection, "because thou didst it"! It is his right to do as he wills, and he always wills to do that which is wisest and kindest:why should I then arraign his dealings? Nay, if it be indeed the Lord, let him do what seemeth him good."

"Silence from all repining did not prevent the voice of prayer, which must never cease. In all probability the Lord would grant the psalmist's petition, for he usually removes affliction when we are resigned to it; if we kiss the rod, our Father always burns it. When we are still, the rod is soon still..."

"Good pleas may be found in our weakness and distress. It is well to show our Father the bruises which his scourge has made, for peradventure his fatherly pity will bind his hands, and move him to comfort us in his bosom.It is not to consume us, but to consume our sins, that the Lord aims at in his chastisements."

Specifically, through this illness God has dealt with me concerning my "pet sins" - lack of submission and reverence to my husband, whining about how I feel, and fear.With this FM and MCS illness, which is a "sickness of the jumping symptoms", before I had an accurate diagnosis, it was especially difficult in the area of fear. Then at my sickest point so far, God finally brought me to a place where I was not afraid of death...This became my favorite song:

LOVE, COME QUICKLY


Love, come quickly, Love, my Love.

I saw the fire in your eyes.
I know I've done what You despise.
I spurned the love of Your grace,
Spit my hatred in Your face.
I sought the world for happiness,
Because I loved You not.

Love, come quickly, Love, my Love.

You reached down with Your arms of love,
And drew me to Your throne above.
You filled me with hope anew,
And washed me with a love for You.
I seek You now for happiness,
Because You loved me first.

Love, come quickly, Love, my Love.

I see You now as through a glass,
But someday I'll see You face to face.
My heart will bask in Your peace,
Leap with joy from sin's release.
My heart will swell with thankfulness.
To this world I'll be loathe to return.

Love, come quickly, Love, my Love.

The freedom of my body from earthly pain,
Will be nothing compared to the great gain,
Of having pride flee my breast.
Of having You wash me in humbleness,
For there's nothing good in me;
To Your blood I trustingly cling!

Love, come quickly, Love, my Love.

The glory of the pearly gates is dim,
Compared to the love I feel for Him.
The best thing about the heavenly place,
Is the One Who touched me with His grace.
If I am not His lover now,
I will not His lover be then!

Love, come quickly, Love, my Love.
Love, come quickly, Love.
-S.J.C.


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Testimony Letter - Written many years ago

Dear ____,

How true are those words, "Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created." (Rev. 4:11) Truly, "the chief end of man is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever"! To really know Him in a personal way - what joy! It is true, isn't it? "Unto you therefore which believe he is precious." (I Pet. 2:;;7a)
Oh, where shall I begin to tell the story of His love for me and how he called me to be a part of a "chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that (I) should shew forth the praises of him who called (me) out of darkness into his marvelous light.". (I Pet. 2:9)?

Now I don't know exactly when that day was fore me. Perhaps it was when I was a child, as I thought, or perhaps it was when the Lord called me to simple obedience through His Word in some things that I had not thought much about before. He worked in me grace to "will and to do of his good pleasure". (Phil. 2:13) And His will for me was modesty - long dresses and a head covering (I Cor. 11:1-16, Is. 47:1-3), a desire to be submissive, a willingness to give up a career and to stay at home to "school"my children and lead them to know Him, and (I Per. 3:1-6, Titus 2:4-5) a willingness to get rid of a lot of things in my life that did not honor Him - in reality, to change my while lifestyle! (Phil. 4:8;, I Cor. 10:31) I am nothing, but I praise Him for working these things in me!

Truly, "(I) love him, because he first loved (me)." (I Jn. 4:19) If it had been left to me, I never would have loved Him. Jesus said, "No man can come to me, except the father which hath sent me draw him..." (Jn. 6:44) and "Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you.." (Jn. 15;16) I did not find Him. He found me! For I was not the one who was drowning in sin with a life preserver being offered to me of which I could lay hold and be saved. But rather, I was already dead - "dead in trespasses and sins" (Eph. 2:1) and God made me alive and gave me a new heart and the gift of faith (Eph. 2:8) and made me willing to trust Him in the day of His power. (Ps. 110:3) "For as many as were ordained to eternal life believed." (Acts 13:48) And how I praise the Lord for His goodness in sending someone to speak and write of the truth to me that I might be saved. How important it is for us to share this "Good News", too, for God uses this means to bring His sheep to Himself as Jn. 10:27 says, "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. (Jn. 10:27) Hallelujah!

The Lord has showed me that I had nothing to do with my natural birth or my spiritual birth. I was born, not of blood (family heritage), nor of the will of the flesh (good works), nor of the will of man (my will), but of God. (Jn. 1:13) "So then it is not of him that willeth (free will) nor of him that runneth (good works) but of God that sheweth mery." (Rom. 9:16) (Parentheses mine) Salvation is all of grace! Hallelujah! "Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost." (Titus 3:5) So then, "...by grace (I am) saved through faith; and that not of (myself): it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest (I) should boast." (Eph. 2:8-9) But I am "...his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hast before ordained that (I) should walk in them." (Eph. 2:10) So I will do good works by God's grace, not for my salvation, but because He gave me His love, and I want to glorify Him!

My hearts' desire is to go with Him all the way! And as I grow in my Christian walk, the Lord keeps pointing my sins out to me - my pride, my selfishness, my lack of true submission and self-control, my coldness of heart and lack of love for Him and others. And in fact, the more I grow in Him, the more I realize what a sinner I am and that my "heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked." (Jer.17:9) Not only do I do sinful things, but I still have that remaining sinful heart. I sin not only in action and in deed, but also in attitudes and thoughts. "To him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin." (James 4:17) How many things have I left undone that I should have done? Woe is me! But "Thanks be unto God which always causeth us to triumph in Christ." (II Cor. 2:14) - who gives us victory over sin and works in us more and more each day His holiness. "But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day." (Prov. 4:18)

God is such a holy and righteous God and I have offended Him. There is not hope for me apart from the blood sacrifice of Jesus Christ, His only Son. I am thankful for the verse that says, "All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out." (Jn. 6:37) How thankful I am, too, that He died for His sheep (Jn. 10:15), and that I am his little sheep, not because of any good thing in me or in anything He knew I would become )because all of m "righteousnesses are as filthy rags" (Is. 64:6), but because of His sovereign love for me before the foundation of the world. (Eph. 1:4-5) He covered me in His love and paid the penalty for my awful sin. Hallelujah!

I use to be a very fearful person, and still I struggle with this at times, but I use to be very afraid of bridges and other such things which might lead to an immediate death. I was always afraid that perhaps I was not truly saved - that perhaps I might be irritated with my children or something and then immediately die without having time to confess that sin. I wondered, "Would I really go to heaven or not?" But God gave me assurance several years ago and especially through my 13 month old baby's death, that it is not what I do that saves me. It id what Jesus has done! Praise the Lord! When I stand before God Almighty in that day, I will have to fall before Him and plead the blood of Jesus. He is my only hope! 'Nothing in my hand I bring. Simply to Thy cross I cling" will be my prayer.

How thankful I am, also, for God's promise that He gives me "eternal life; and (I) shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck (me) out of (His) hand. (Jn. 10:28) "For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of His Son,t hat he might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified." (Rom. 8:30-31) If I am truly justified, then I will be glorified. Yes, and "he that (began) a good work in (me) will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." (Phil. 1:6) "To an inheritance incorruptible, and undefiled, and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for (me) who am kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. (I Pet. 1:4-5) All the way through my Christian life, He will lead me. I praise the Lord that He is the "author and finisher" of my faith"! (Heb. 12:2) He shall keep me for I would fall away for sure if it were not for His sovereign grace and mercy and His promise to keep me! And yet I know that I must always be on guard for there are many who think they are Christians and are not, but who will apostasize as I Jn. 2:13 indicates. "They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would no doubt have continued with us: but they went out, that they might be made manifest that they were not all of us." "Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven." (Matt.7:21) And so my prayer is, "O Lord, show me thy will and give me grace to obey, for I long to be holy like Thee."

"Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss of the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ. And be found in Him, not having mine own righteousness, which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith: That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection , and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto this death." (Phil. 3:8-10)

Now, I've shared my testimony and thoughts with you and what the Lord has taught me. Can you say a hearty "Amen"? I'd love to hear how the Lord has blessed you with His love, too! Please write!

In His Sovereign Grace and Love,
Sherry

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His Love - by Mark Webb

O the wonder of wonders - That God should love me!
Love a sinner so guilty, so vile and unclean!
To love the unlovely, how can it be done?
'Tis only in Jesus, through His blessed Son!

Long before I ever knew Him, my Lord first knew me;
Before I ever sought Him, my Lord first sought me;
When I was in darkness, His sworn enemy,
He purchased my pardon on Calvary's tree!

His love is a mountain that I cannot scale!
As wide as the ocean that I cannot sail!
I'll never lay hold of, my mind fully see,
This love that in mercy, first laid hold of me!

Not that I first did choose Him, for that could not be!
Still this heart would refuse Him had he left it to me-
I'd still fight that battle which no man can win,
I'd still bar the heart's-door that letteth Him in!

-----------------------
I Sought the Lord - Author unknown

I sought the Lord, and afterward I knew
He moved my soul to seek him, seeking me;
It was not I that found, O Savior true,
No, I was found of thee.

Though didst reach forth thy hand and mine enfold;
I walked and sank not on the storm-vexed sea,
"Twas not so much that I on thee took hold,
As thou, dear Lord, on me.

I find, I walk, I love, but O the whole
Of love is but an answer, Lord, to thee;
For thou wert long before-hand with my soul,
Always thou lovedst me.

Letter From Psalm 20:1a

I'll start with a letter I wrote from Psalm 20! It contains an overview and some excerpts from my prayer diary. It will take several posts to get through the Psalm because I will take just a verse or two a day. Then I will start at the beginning of my "book" with some of my writings of the summer of 1997.:)



Dear friend,

I don't know you yet, but I'd like to get to know you! You are my friend because we have something in common- chronic illness! Psalm 20 is my prayer for you today!

Psalm 20

1a The LORD hear thee in the day of trouble!



The DAY OF TROUBLE? Ah, are you there? I've been there! Still am, but I praise my Jehovah-Rapha, my LOVE who HEALS, that the "darkness" is not quite as dark as it was before and that He has given me a "DAY OF HOPE"! I pray for you that He shall hear you, also, in your Day of Trouble"!

Is. 50:10a says, Who is among you that :1) feareth the LORD,

that: 2)obeyeth the voice of his servant

(Christ)

that: 3) walketh in DARKNESS, and hath NO LIGHT...?"

DARKNESS...endless "NIGHT OF SICKNESS"..NO HOPE?

Here is the answer for those who fear the LORD and obey his voice-for those whose hearts hold no iniquity because their trangressions have been covered by the blood of Christ-for those who by grace and by His power are empowered to keep His commandments out of love-

IF he walks in DARKNESS with NO LIGHT,

"Let him trust in the NAME of the LORD and STAY upon his God."(Is.
50:10b)

Ah, what name? God has many names:

Elohim-"My Creator"

El Elyon-"Sovereign Ruler of My Life"

El Shaddai-"My Security"

Jehovah-Jireh-"My Provider'

JEHOVAH- "MY GOD WHO HEALS"!

Trusting in His NAME...Knowing His character...REMEMBERING what He has done for you and others in the past...Such gives HOPE!... (I hope to share my testimonies on the names of God and how He has met me in each of these ways sometime.:))

"Stay" can mean "to support one's self...lean...rest"

I am "broken"..and are you so, TOO, my friend? LEANING hard upon the Saviour, supported by His strength, and RESTING in His arms of love...Ah, this is the only way to survive, isn't it?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Excerpts from my prayer diary, summer and fall 1999-

Ps. 63:1

O God, thou art my God: early will I seek thee, my soul thirsteth for thee; my flesh longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is.

Yes, Thou art my God, and I am Your little, broken, bleeding lamb hiding my face in Your bosom this morning. Everyday I say, "Jesus, Lover of my soul, let me to thy bosom fly!"...I am thirsty for you! I want YOU!...

"O WALL of the daughter of Zion, LET TEARS RUN DOWN LIKE A RIVER DAY AND NIGHT: give thyself no rest; let not the apple of thine eye cease." (Lam.2:18)

Lord, You are my "wall", and I am the "apple" of Your eye...Tears ARE running down Your cheeks like a river day and night, aren't they, Lord? I am Your beloved, hurting child, the "apple" of Your eye, and just as a mother would go running out with great emotion and tears
streaming down her face to pick up and hold close to her breast her unconscious, bleeding child who had been hit by a truck, so YOU are holding and weeping for the "broken" ME!

Lord, sometimes my discomfort and fatigue is so great that just about all I can manage to say is "Baa-aa!" I am Your little lamb, and Your arms are my place of refuge!

Love in Christ,

Psalm 20:1b

Psalm 20

1b the name of the God of Jacob defend thee.

May the darts of the "enemy" have no way to reach you today as you RUN into the NAME..JEHOVAH-RAPHA!

"The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe." (Prov. 18:10)

Yes, may the NAME of the God of Jacob-JEHOVAH-RAPHA defend thee, my ill friend! I'll share another diary excerpt here that I wrote in Sept. 1999 that I pray will bring thee HOPE!

Psalm 130:6

My soul waiteth for the Lord more than they that watch for the morning: I say, more than they that watch for the morning.

You know how many times I've sung this Psalm with all my heart, Lord, and especially these last two verses. I well remember the freezing cold morning of Feb. 10, 1988 and my trip at dawn to the little cemetary where our precious little one was laid to rest not quite a year before. My heart was filled with great anticipation and hope- for my fifth labor had just begun, and I longed for Timothy, too, to know that he would soon have a little brother or sister. What emotion You shared with me that morning as I burst forth in song when the
eastern sky broke forth in dazzling pinks and oranges. The sun broke forth above the hills as I WAITED for our little one's arrival, and I sang:

Psalm 130: 5-6

I wait for the LORD, my soul doth wait, and in his word do I hope. My soul waiteth for the Lord more than they that watch for the morning: I say, more than they that watch for the morning.

As I have walked up and down the dry creekbed recently through the fallen leaves , I have sung these same words. And as I look out my dreary window this morning at the seeming endless drizzle, I sing this song as I wait for the sun to show forth again in brightness. Yes, I WAIT...I WAIT.. I WAIT for You, Lord, more than they that watch for the morning! It is "NIGHT"....My illness is "heavy" upon me...and things seem very DRIZZLY and DARK! I WAIT...I WAIT... I WAIT for You, O Lord, to bring the "sunshine" again into my life! And while I WAIT, I remember another song, a song which cheered my heart and gave me HOPE in the "NIGHTTIME" of my life after my little toddler died of spinal meningitis-

`Psalm 42:8

Yet the LORD will command his lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night his SONG shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life.

In the "NIGHT" Your SONG WAS with me! And the promise is to me again! Thank-You, Lord!

Yes, I am now in the "NIGHT" again, a "long night of sickness" that really began around the time that Timothy died. Although the "night" seems to be growing darker and darker, Your song, Psalm 130, brings hope to my heart again today. Your song is WITH ME!

Lamentations 2: 24-26

The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope IN HIM. The LORD is good unto them that WAIT FOR HIM, to the soul that seeketh him. It is good that a man should both HOPE and QUIETLY WAIT for the salvation of the LORD.

May God BLESS You!

Love in Christ,

Psalm 20:2

Continuing in Psalm 20 -

2 Send thee HELP from the SANCTUARY, and STRENGTHEN thee out of ZION.

I pray today that God shall send thee HELP! Practically speaking we sometimes feel so poorly that we can't go out and shop or cook or clean or take care of little ones. Perhaps you need HELP today. My prayer for you today is that the Lord will send thee practical HELP...Also I pray that He shall send thee financial HELP if you need it so that you can get the supple-
ments and medicines that you need or another house without gas or mold or carpet or what- ever. I've been HERE, too, and it's a desperate feeling to know that you will feel worse if the money doesn't come in. Yes, and may the Lord send HELP by giving you the "answers" - "the pieces of the puzzle" for better health. May He also give you an understanding friend if you are without one. I will try to "fill that bill" if you wish. But most importantly, may He send you HELP from the SANCTUARY..His sanctuary- the place of HOLINESS. May He fill you with HIMSELF...with purity and holiness. May He be to you a *"TREASURE CHEST OF HOLY JOY"-Your one true DELIGHT!

Perhaps you have also prayed this prayer from the bottom of your heart many times like I have-

"Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I DESIRE beside THEE. My flesh and my heart FAILETH: but GOD is the STRENGTH of my heart, and my PORTION for ever." (Ps. 73:25-26)

I have prayed to God that He would purify and cleanse me, and I believe He intensified my sickness in answer to my prayer. There is still so much sin and selfishness left in me, but my prayer is that He will send HELP from His SANCTUARY-His HOLY PLACE and "bathe me" in
His HOLINESS. My prayer is the same for you, my friend!

Two sets of tapes which have rejoiced my heart so much are the "Hope in God" series and "Called to Suffer and Rejoice." Both sets of tapes can be had by calling 1-888-DGM-4700 or by visiting www.desiringGod.org I have literally "bathed my mind" in Dr. John Piper's early sermons, and it has changed my life!

The word "strengthen" means to "support:-comfort..." COMFORT...This is my prayer for you today, too, my friend...that Christ will send you COMFORT as He has done for me.

Here is another of my prayer diary excerpts for Sept. 1999, dealing with comfort--

"...With great roarings (Ps. 22:1) You died for me, with great groanings in the spirit You wept with Mary and Martha when Lazarus died, (Jn. 11: 33, 35), and with great emotion You are crying now with me here, too. You FEEL MY INFIRMITIES (Heb.4:15), and You have
COMPASSION-for You also were "compassed with infirmity" as Heb. 5:2 says. It's interesting that the Greek word for "infirmity" can mean "feebleness (of body or mind)...sickness, weakness." Could it be that You, dear Jesus, had a bodily weakness like mine that was never
recorded in Scripture???You WERE a "man of sorrows and acquainted with grief" (Is. 53:3)...Yes, You FEEL my seemingly increasing INFIRMITIES and WEEP for me! You FEEL my distress at not being able to do anything about making my environment less toxic! Surely You FEEL my "PRISON" of pain! As I cry, You also weep bitter tears and demonstrate Your great and mighty LOVE! Thank-You, Lord, for Your wonderful comfort!

Yes, and God will strengthen us out of ZION. Zion is the church, and the true church of God is made up of all His little sheep who KNOW HIM in truth. What a blessing it has been for me to hear from other "hurting sheep" who have gone before. Their words have been a
STRENGTH to ME!...I am reminded of Cindy Duering's song- "...To live another day in the FULLNESS of GOD!" What a blessing Cindy's songs have been to me! Her testimony lives on even though the pesticide exposures finally took her HOME! And others who share their "meditations" from the Word of God are a "strength" to me, too!

Well, my friend, my song that I wish I could SING for you today is Psalm 20. You can't hear my tune because we are separated by miles, but as I go to my field and sing, know that I will be singing it for you! (Now you can hear it http://www.youtube.com/pilgrimhymns#p/c/4C49CD88256047C4/36/KhBlld4nU3o

Love in Christ,



*Termed by Dr. Piper

Psalm 20:3

Psalm 20:3


Remember all thy offerings, and accept thy burnt sacrifice; Selah.


The Lord hear thee...the Lord send thee help...the Lord remember all thy offerings...

Since I've been studying with Dr. John Piper in Galations, the first thing that came to my mind when I meditated on this verse was that no amount of my offerings or sacrifices for others and for the Lord can procure any FAVOR with God. I couldn't even give MYSELF to Him until He gave me a NEW HEART. For I was once cold and DEAD with a "heart of
stone". Christ's shed blood is my only hope for salvation...for sanctification...for help...for healing.

Hallelujah! My sins are forgiven, and no more shall I sin...I am healed, and my diseases are gone...because of the blood of Christ. I do not totally see or experience it yet, but it is TRUE by faith in God's Word. Total healing may not come till I reach heaven just as sin will not be entirely gone till then...but I have much hope that I shall at least be better-just as Christ is slowly sanctifying me.

No...offerings and sacrifices will not procure FAVOR with God, yet He records and DELIGHTS IN the expressions of our love! If we are His children, He accepts our sacrifices of JOY and PRAISE and THANKSGIVNG. I don't know about you, but I find this difficult-yet by
God's grace I am learning. This is probably one of the reasons why God has allowed my sickness-to teach me THANKFULNESS. Perhaps you can relate to my prayer diary entry of Aug. 1999-

O LORD, thank-You, thank-You, THANK-YOU for these wonderful comforts that we use to take for granted! The warm shower is so nice for our tired, aching muscles; the comfortable bed and soft pillows are such a blessing for our weary, sleep-deprived bodies! And I must add,thank- You for the fan gently blowing on me as I rest here. It takes the "edge" off of the heat and noise in this heat-soaked trailer. Yes, thank-You, Lord!...In Jesus' name. Amen!

I am reminded of Heb. 13:16 also when I think of the word "sacrifice"-

"But to do good and to COMMUNICATE forget not! For with such SACRIFICES God is WELL PLEASED."

God is happy when His saints communicate and fellowship with one another around the Word of God!

I have often thought of Rom. 12:1, too-

"I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a LIVING SACRIFICE...",

And I have wanted to cry out, "But LORD, I'm not a LIVING sacrifice. I'm a DYING sacrifice." At least that's how I feel. I'm sure you can probably relate at times. Yet...we are still living, and our motto should be "For me to live is CHRIST, and to die is GAIN." (Phil.1:21)

The word "accept" means "to reduce to ashes". If I sacrifice and reduce myself to ugly ashes apart from Christ, it avails me NOTHING. It cannot appease an angry God who abhors sin, for I am full of sin and cannot do one thing on my own to please God. But if I sacrifice
myself to Him with "Christ in me, the hope of Glory" whose perfect, holy blood has been poured out to appease His wrath for me, I am ACCEPTED as His BELOVED and "reduced to beautiful ashes."

According to Young's Concordance, a "burnt sacrifice" is "that which goes up"! ...May our thoughts and prayers go up to God...May our praise GO UP to God...May we Go UP to God someday with great anticipation! Even now may our DELIGHTS be IN HIM that many will view Him as BIG and WONDERFUL, and may we bring Him Great JOY! Amen!

Psalm 20:4

Hello again! Hope the "beauty" of the Lord is upon you today! Hope you are having a good day! Shall I continue meditating with you through Psalm 20? It has been so much "fun" for me! I hope you are receiving a BLESSING, too! :)

Psalm 20

4 Grant thee according to thine own heart, and fulfill all thy counsel.

Yes, may the Lord grant thee thy HEART'S DESIRE! And what is thy heart's desire?


"One thing have I DESIRED of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD all the days of my life, to BEHOLD THE BEAUTY OF THE LORD, and to enquire in his temple." (Ps. 27:4)

In other words, the longing to live in His PRESENCE each day...Ah...this is my DESIRE! And His promise to me is that I shall have this desire of my heart if I DELIGHT myself in Him. Psalm 37:4 says,

"DELIGHT THYSELF also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart!

But..how will the DELIGHT come? Through meditating in His Word!

"Blessed...HAPPY is the man...whose DELIGHT (or happiness) is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he MEDITATE day and night."
(Ps.1:1-2)

Yes, my cry to God is:

"Unless thy law had been my DELIGHTS, I should then have perished in mine affliction." (Ps. 119:92)

Meditating in God's Word in the midst of illness is the only thing that keeps me sane! Ah...can you relate?

I love these words, and they are my prayer along with this prayer diary entry I made in the summer of 1997:

"Remember the WORD unto thy servant, upon which thou hast caused me to hope. This is my COMFORT in my affliction: for thy WORD hath quickened me."(Ps. 119:49-50)

Diary entry based on Deut. 8:2-3:

Surely You have "humbled me" and "suffered me to hunger after YOU. And...You have "fed me with manna"...Yes, Lord, indeed You have made me know that man doth not live by bread only, "but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord." If I have You and Your word, I have EVERYTHING. I do not NEED health, but I do need YOU! You are precious, and Your Word is my DELIGHT! Hold me in Your arms forever. You are all I really need! In Jesus' name, Amen.

Yes, my friend, may the Lord grant thee thy HEART'S DESIRE! "May he keep Your heart HAPPY IN GOD"!* and may He also fulfill all thy counsel!

The word"counsel" can mean "PURPOSE". May He fulfill thy PURPOSE for living! And what is our PURPOSE for living?

*"The chief end of man is to GLORIFY GOD BY ENJOYING HIM FOREVER!"*


*"God is most glorified in us when we are most SATISFIED in Him."*


In meditating on my purpose for living with environmental illness, I wrote in Oct. 1999:

"...the eyes of your understanding being ENLIGHTENED; that ye may KNOW what is the hope of his CALLING..."(Eph. 1:18)

"For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps!" (I Pet. 2:21)

The more I LOOK to You, Lord, the more I will know and understand Your calling on my life. Indeed I do have a CALLING on my life! Even before I was born there was a special CALLING from You to SUFFER TODAY! I was CALLED to FOLLOW IN YOUR STEPS of suffering! Piper says, "God intends for the afflictions of Christ to be PRESENTED to the world through the afflictions of His people...") Indeed I am part of a "chosen generation", and the reason for my suffering is that I "should shew forth (Your) praises" (From I Pet. 2:9) Herein lies my
peace and purpose for living! You have enlightened the eyes of my understanding a little, and someday I shall know all the reasons WHY...this I know-if there were no suffering here below, heaven would not be as glorious as it shall be... and to the degree I suffer here, for me heaven shall be brighter! The more I suffer...the greater my sufferings-the more I long for heaven, my HOME. Amen!

*Quotes by Piper Used with permission.

Psalm 20:5a

Psalm 20:5a

5a We will rejoice in thy salvation,

"Yes, we will REJOICE in thy SALVATION, Lord! The word "REJOICE" reminds me of a prayer diary entry I made in Aug. 1999 when I was meditating on Zephaniah 3:14-17. Here it is:

Zephaniah 3:14-17

14 SING, O DAUGHTER OF ZION; SHOUT, O ISRAEL; BE GLAD AND REJOICE WITH ALL THE HEART, O DAUGHTER OF JERUSALEM.

Lord, by thy grace I am a daughter of Zion, a daughter of Jerusalem, and Your admonition to me this morning is to SING and SHOUT...SING and SHOUT...SING and SHOUT! So by Your grace, I shall go outside under the cool shade of the trees and do just that. I know a tune to
verse 17, and I shall sing and shout it for all the birdies and for You to hear...Yes, I am to be glad and to rejoice, but I see here that my HEART attitude is important. May I sing and shout for YOUR GLORY, for YOUR PRAISE...wholeheartedly!

15 THE LORD HATH TAKEN AWAY THY JUDGMENTS, HE HATH CAST OUT THINE ENEMY: THE KING OF ISRAEL, EVEN THE LORD, IS IN THE MIDST OF THEE: THOU SHALT NOT SEE EVIL ANYMORE.

And why do I sing and shout? Why am I so happy today? Because there is no longer a "death sentence" hanging over my head, and my sin has been taken away. The devil has been DEFEATED, and he can no longer really hurt me because YOU are here in me, Lord FOREVER in my midst and in my heart! Yes...HAPPINESS forever is on the way!!! All
adversity, affliction, misery, sin, sorrow, trouble, SICKNESS is soon to be "crossed out" - BANISHED forever, and there will be no more fear! Hallelujah!

16 IN THAT DAY IT SHALL BE SAID TO JERUSALEM, FEAR THOU NOT: AND TO ZION, LET NOT THINE HANDS BE SLACK.

During these days as I encounter a FLARE in my illness and a "scary" thought that I may be getting WORSE, I believe You are telling me through this verse to be STILL before you - to WAIT on You without fear - to be willing to suffer even more, and yet to "let not my
hands be slack" in trying new things whenever You give me the "word" and ability to do so. Today I will wait and SING...FOR:

17 THE LORD THY GOD IN THE MIDST OF THEE IS MIGHTY; HE WILL SAVE, HE WILL REJOICE OVER THEE WITH JOY; HE WILL REST IN HIS LOVE, HE WILL JOY OVER THEE WITH SINGING.

Yes, my song today is:

O LORD my God in the midst of me,
You are mighty, and YOU will save!
You will rejoice over me with joy!
You will rest in Your love!
You will joy over me with singing!

Spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically, You will save! Someday I shall be entirely well and whole! Hallelujah! And Your special promise to me today is that You are REJOICING over me! Yes, You are an emotional God, and as I sing and dance alone before You and the birdies here under the trees with my hands uplifted to You, I can just "hear" You singing, too, and Your song to me is:

I am the Lord Your God in the midst of thee.
I am mighty, and I will save!
I will rejoice over Thee with joy!
I will rest in my love!
I will joy over thee with singing!

Yes, You will rejoice and sing, but You will also "rest" in Your love. The original denotes "silence". You will rejoice with me in SINGING, and You will also rejoice with me in SILENCE. As I stop my singing and dancing, may I rest in Your "silence", too, and meditate
on Your finished work on the cross for me. This is why You can "rest", and may I also REST IN YOUR LOVE - knowing that I am FOREVER YOURS! You sing with me...You cry with me...and now You sit in quietness with me! Thank-You, Lord, for Your Almighty LOVE! And in the stillness of this moment, I can hear You singing to me once again with JOY -

My little lamb, my precious, my Love,
I died just for You...I love you so!
Today I JOY with thee in SINGING
That my love forever you shall KNOW!
Thank-You, Lord, for Your beautiful PROMISES! Amen!

Psalm 20:5b and c

Psalm 20:5b and c


5b and in the name of our God we will set up our banners:"(Lord)...

Thou hast shewed thy people HARD THINGS...thou hast given a BANNER to them that fear thee, that it may be DISPLAYED because of the truth. Selah." (Ps. 60:3a,4)

Banners flying high...flags...TESTIMONIES of what God has done for us! Let's CELEBRATE and share His goodness! I'd love to hear what the Lord has done for you, my friend, if the Lord prompts you to share...and I will be happy to share my life and more of who I am and
what God has done for me through "testimony prayers" on the NAMES of God ...starting tomorrow! :)

Proverbs 18: 10

The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe.

The picture I have here in my mind, Lord, is a high tower with flags flying everywhere! The flags say:

Elohim-My Creator,

El Elyon-Sovereign Ruler of My Life,

El Roi-My God Who Sees,

El Shaddai-My Security,

Adonai-My Lord and Master,

Jehovah-My Source of Life,

Jehovah-Jireh--My Provider,

Jehovah Nissi-My "Banner to Overcome Sin,

Jehovah M'Kaddesh-My Sanctification.

I want to be SAFE, Lord, so I will run to Your TOWER... and the tower is Your NAME. Lord, as Your Almighty character is revealed to us through Your many NAMES, let us rejoice in Your salvation and KNOW that You WILL fulfill all of our petitions in accordance with Your
Word. In Your NAME, O Lord, we will set up our "banners" - TESTIMONIES! And may the testimonies of what You have done in our lives help others to "run" into Your NAME and there find safety also! In Jesus' name, Amen!

5c The LORD fulfil all thy petitions.

I long to write my testimony someday also on Psalm 30-"Jehovah-Rapha, My God Who Heals". I'm sure you could probably voice the same thing. The LORD fulfil all thy petitions, my friend-even this one! Amen!

Love in Christ,

Elohim

These "Names of God Testimonies" were written in the summer of 1997.

Elohim, the three in one God, the mighty and strong, faithful One, You are the Creator of the whole world and all things therein, and You are MY Creator.

Psalm 139: 13-17

"For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb."


You have created me. All my internal organs, as well as my mind, were created by You. I am Yours - body, soul, and spirit - for You have made me.

" I will praise Thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well."

Yes, Lord, I praise You and bow in reverence before You. When I looked up the words "wonderfully" and "marvelous" in Strong's, they seem to imply a "distinguishing" and a "separateness". Yes, Lord, I am one of Your many "miracles", and I am set apart as a totally
unique person. I am "one of a kind". When I stop and think about this, Lord, it makes me feel very special!

"My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth,"

Yes, I was "made" in secret, Lord. Nobody but You knew the exact moment of my beginning, not even my mother and father. Indeed, it was all done in SECRET by Your Almighty power! You prepared that special "hiding place" for me in my mother's womb, and You covered
and protected me there in Your love. O the "mother love" that wells up within my heart as I think of each of the dear, little ones that You have in the past planted secretly within MY womb. I thank You for them, Lord.

"Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them."

Wow, Lord! Through the process of time, while I was in my mother's womb, You molded me into a form with special characteristics, unlike any other person in the world. My "members" were "written" - described and prescribed by You! O Lord, I must stop and accept Your
sovereignty in my life. You prescribed my physical weaknesses and my temperament. We have all been born with various things we didn't like about ourselves. Surely You are sovereign, O God, and each thing You have "marked" us with was and is for our good and for Your glory! I must stop and consider my weak constitution and disposition towards allergies which I have had all my life. It was Your PLAN for ME. May I accept Your sovereign hand in my life.

Lord, I must stop and really meditate on all of this. Surely Your "finger" is upon me today. If You have made me a "unique" individual, surely You have done this same thing with my precious husband and each of my children. Lord, why am I always trying to "clone" them? Please give me grace to allow them to be who they are because You made them the way they are! Amen!

El Elyon

Written summer 1997-

And all the inhabitants of the earth are reputed as nothing; and he doeth according to his will in the army of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth, and none can stay his hand or say unto him, What doest thou?" (Dan. 4:35)


El Elyon, the Strongest Strong One, the Possessor of heaven and earth, the Sovereign Ruler of the universe -- You are also the sovereign ruler of MY LIFE, and I am always comforted to "..know that ALL things work together for GOOD to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren." (Rom. 8: 28-29) Hallelujah! Yes, Lord,EVERYTHING that comes into my life is for my
GOOD! It is for my good, and You are using it in my life to conform me to the image of Your son--to make me more like Christ. Ah...yes, Lord, as I bow before You today, my eyes are heavy and my body aches. I feel so tired and my immune system must be all messed up.
I feel as if I just can't go on till I can sleep some more! Lord, You know! I just didn't get enough sleep for my body last night. It was not my fault. I could do nothing about it. But this morning You are telling me " ALL THINGS work together for GOOD." Surely You have
allowed it to further teach me to be joyful in afflictions and not to murmur and complain. O Lord, You know the struggle I have with this. Please work Your perfect work in me!

Yes, Lord, there are SO MANY things that happen to us daily that we often are tempted to ask "Why?" and fret or be depressed..."Why the broken water pipe? Why the problems with this particular child? Why this sickness? Why did my husband make this decision?"...ALL THINGS work together for GOOD!..." Please "anchor" this in my heart, Lord, and let me know that because I am Your child, EVERYTHING that happens to me is for my GOOD! Thank You, Lord! You are my El Elyon!

In Jesus' name. Amen!

El Roi

Written summer 1997-

El Roi, You are the "God Who Sees". Hagar was dealt with harshly by Sarai, and she fled from her into the wilderness. Hagar was used and abused. She was extremely hurt, but You told her to return and to submit. She said, "Thou God seest me." Yes, You see, and You make things right. May I hold no bitterness in my heart against those who have hurt me. May I know and experience Your forgiveness in my life, and by Your grace, may I be able to forgive.

Yes, El Roi, You are the God who sees all of my hurts and tribulations, persecutions and trials. But You are also the God who sees all of MY secret sins, too. You see and "..(know) the secrets of (my ) heart." (Ps. 44:21b) "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (Ps. 139:23-24)

You are also the God who sees and watches over me and my husband and our precious children. May Your eye always be on us in protection. You also tell me in Ps. 32:8 that you will "instruct" me and "teach" me in the "way which (I should) go", and You said that You
will "guide" me with Your EYE. Yes, Lord, as You watch over us in everything we do, guide and advise us with Your EYE just as a godly parent directs his children with his eyes and facial expressions and keeps them from doing wrong. May I remember to watch over my children in this way. Thou art the God who sees, and may I be the parent who sees as You would have me to. In Jesus' name. Amen!

El Shaddai

Written summer 1997-

El Shaddai, thou art my "all Sufficient One" and the One who chastens me in order to make me fruitful! You are my complete security, and as I fall upon Your breast, I know that You will hold me in Your arms of love - no matter what - for always and for all time! "How
excellent is thy loving kindness, O God! therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of thy wings." (PS. 36:7) Lord..."Who have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever." (Ps. 73: 25-26) Thou art my "heavenly husband"! (Is. 54:5) Surely, Lord, You will continue to take care of me and protect me there in Your arms of
love. You have done it so many times - through little Timothy's death, through the pregnancies and labor and delivery of my eight precious children and my miscarriage, through hospital episodes with the kids, through our severe financial difficulties, through times of loneliness when we were all alone without fellowship, through persecution and slander from those we love, through difficulties with the children, through physical weakness and sickness, through times when I've had to trust my dear husband's judgments as I trust in You! In all these things, You have HELD ME IN YOUR WONDERFUL ARMS OF LOVE!

As I write this, Lord, I am reminded of the severe carbohydrate intolerance I seem to have and how I've had dizzy/spacey spells, tachycardia, anxiety attacks, weakness, etc. because of it and how I was so sick right before You sent this last sweet baby to us. You know, Lord, how I bowed myself in the field and surrendered my life to You and said in my heart "...so now also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be by life, or by death. For to me to live is
Christ, and to die is gain." Dear El Shaddai, You held me close in Your arms of love and saw me and precious, baby Autumn Patience safely through! I praise Your name!

Lord, may I give up my OWN WILL that Your POWER might rest upon me! "If (I) have everything but (You), (I) have NOTHING! If (I) have nothing but (You), (I) have EVERYTHING!" Lord, I want "to KNOW (Your) love which passeth knowledge, that (I) might be filled with all (Your) FULLNESS..." (Eph.3:19) as I rest in Your Almighty arms of love and security. In Jesus' name. Amen!

Adonai

Written summer 1997-

"That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the LORD Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation"|." (Rom. 10:9-10)


Yes, Lord, You are ADONAI, my Lord and Master! Salvation came to me when I confessed and gave testimony that You were my LORD! You have a right to rule me and to determine my life and how I am to live it. You are my master, and I am Your servant. TRUE SALVATION can come in no other way!

O Lord, how difficult it is at times to SURRENDER. As I walk this "narrow-path" that You have put me on, You have from time to time asked me to place various things upon the altar before You. SURRENDER to Your LORDSHIP is a very hard thing, but what a BLESSING
there is in it!

Dear Lord Jesus, Adonai, You and I both will remember the things I have had to FACE HEAD ON and surrender my heart to since I have been Your child. Oh the fightings within my heart as a little girl when You asked me if I would be WILLING to be a missionary for You. How I
hated the idea, and how miserable I was until I surrendered and said, "Yes, Lord, I will do it - if this is what You want for my life." Although I have so far never actually been a missionary in the normal sense of the term, the thought of it has delighted my heart (and my dear husband's too- for that has been his desire for quite some time), and I have, by Your grace, surrendered my children to this end if it is Your will. My heart would rejoice if some of
our "arrows" would be shot forth as missionaries! I would yet love to fulfill my husband's desire, also, in this direction, if You would but open up the doors for such ministry. In the meantime, may I delight in ministry HERE - right where you've place me!

Yes, You are my Adonai! There have also been many other things which You have called me to surrender throughout the years including dress, music, lifestyle... I'm sure You deal with every person differently, and everyone has certain "things" that have a "HOLD" on their hearts that You want them to SURRENDER upon Your altar....

As You know, Lord, one of the hardest things I've had to deal with is pride in my heart in several things concerning my children. My ideas of education and the desire for my children to be "academically excellent" and ahead of everyone else their own age used to be an
idol in my heart, as well as other things. Also You have showed me recently that I have a horrible, controlling spirit. I want to SURRENDER this to You, also. O Lord, please forgive me....

The hardest thing You have asked me to surrender, Lord, was baby Timothy - 13 months old. At his death, my heart broke in ten million pieces, but he is Yours, Lord! All the rest of my children and my dear husband are Yours, too. Please watch over and take care of them; bless them abundantly; save and sanctify each one of them! Help them to love You and Your Word even more than I do! I love them, Lord...but they are Yours!

I love You, Lord! Make my love stronger and yet more REAL that I might be TOTALLY SURRENDERED to You in ALL THINGS, and may I not hesitate to give You whatever You may ask for in the future. You are my Lord and Master, my Adonai, and only as I surrender to You will I know You also as my El Shaddai! In Jesus' name. Amen!

Jehovah

Written summer 1997-

Jehovah, You are my personal God, and I love You! May my love grow more and more as I seek to understand who You are. Your personal name is Jehovah which means "(the)self-Existent or Eternal". "Moses said unto (You), Behold, when I come unto the children of Israel and shall say unto them, the God of Your fathers hath sent me unto you; and they shall say to me, What is his name? what shall I say unto them?: (You) said unto Moses, "I Am That I am"! (Ex. 3:13-14a) What an awesome thought! I can remember as a little girl meditating on
Your ALWAYS BEING alive. It was and IS still so "mind boggling" to meditate on this! You had NO BEGINNING! You have ALWAYS existed! O Jehovah God, thou art the Supreme - the highest and greatest in authority...sovereign...because You were here before anything else
was. You are Almighty, All powerful, All holy, and ...Are there really any words to describe who You are?

Strong's Concordance says "name" can mean "as a mark or memorial of individuality;. by impl. honor, authority,character.." Yes, Jehovah Lord, You have complete "individuality". There is absolutely nothing or no one like You! You have the HIGHEST honor, authority, and the BEST, MOST PERFECT character of anyone or anything!

You also said to Moses, "...There is my name for ever, and this is my memorial unto all generations." (Ex. 2:15b) Lord Jehovah, may Your name, Jehovah, be a special memento and keepsake to me to remind me of Your absolute self-existence and permanent-existence. May Your NAME be the "ring" on my finger, the "pendant" around my neck, and the precious "gift" locked up in my heart!!!

You are the Supreme Being - the essence of LIFE, and all of LIFE flows from Thee! Jesus, You are the "living bread which came down from heaven". So I "eat" Your flesh and "drink" Your blood, and You dwell in me and I in You. (From Jn. 6: 56) As I am "caught up" in
You, I have LIFE! As I "hunger" and "thirst" after You, I am filled - filled with You and with spiritual satisfaction and true peace and joy! You are the FULFILLMENT of my heart - my highest heart's desire! "The chief end of man is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever" - as the catechism says. Jehovah, You are my sole purpose for living! "And this is LIFE ETERNAL, that they may KNOW THEE the only true God..." (Jn. 17: 3a) Jehovah, my Lord, the Self-Existent One who is the essence of LIFE, You are MY LIFE, and all praise goes to Thee! In Jesus' name. Amen!

Jehovah-nissi

In this "meditation" I recount some of the things God showed me through nature in the summer of 1997 down by the creek - including encounter with snakes!!! :)


Jehovah-nissi, You are the Lord, My Banner!

"For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing;" (Rom 7:18a) "For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other; so that (I) cannot do the things that (I) would." (Gal.5:17)

I so much want to walk in the power of Your Holy Spirit always, Lord, but I find that it is a daily battle which I cannot fight in my own strength. Just as Joshua fought the battle with Amalek in Exodus 17 and was victorious because Moses' hands were lifted up to You with
the help of Aaron and Hur, so shall I have final victory over my flesh and the devil because You are my Jehovah-nissi! Hallelujah!

Lord, may God's people love, support, and intercede for one another concerning this thing called HOLINESS and VICTORY OVER SIN! -just as Moses, Aaron and Hur did!

Lord, I "remember what Amalek (my flesh) did unto (me) by the way, when (I came) forth out of Egypt (the world); How he met (me) by the way, and smote the hindmost of (me) even all that were feeble behind (me) when (I was) faint and weary; and he feared not God. (Deut. 25: 17-18) Lord, I am reminded that although I shall have "war with Amalek from generation to generation" (Es. 17:16), yet You have promised that You "will utterly put out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven." (Es. 17:14) Thank You, Lord! I love this verse-"Therefore it shall be, when the LORD thy God hath given thee rest from all thine enemies round about, in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance to
possess it, that thou shalt blot out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven; thou shalt not forget it." (Deut. 25:19) Someday, when I meet You face to face, I shall indeed be free from sin. I shall be holy! Blessed be Your name, Jehovah-nissi!

As I sit here down by the creek eating my meal, this crazy fly just will not leave me alone! No matter how much I swat at him, he just keeps buzzing around my food. My sin is like that, Lord - especially my besetting sins! O Lord, You tell me to put to death my sins - to KILL them. You say to me, "For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do MORTIFY the deeds of the body, ye shall live. " (Rom. 8: 13) Thank You that I may have victory through Your name - Jehovah-nissi!

I am reminded about the seriousness of crucifying the flesh when in I read I Sam. 15: 1-3,7-9; II Sam. 1:6-10 how Saul failed to destroy ALL of Amalek and was eventually killed by an Amalekite. We need ever to be reminded that we will be "killed" in the end, too, unless by Your grace, we take hold of Your power and slay the sin in our lives by Your name, Jehovah-nissi!

THE BATTLE IS ON! THE WAR IS RAGING! YES! YES! I SHALL WIN BECAUSE YOU ARE MY JEHOVAH-NISSI,THE LORD, MY BANNER!

But Lord, HOW do I kill these deeds of the body? Col. 3 says to PUT OFF the bad and PUT ON the good. Are you telling me, Lord, that You want me to KILL the sin in my life by FOCUSING ON THE GODLY OPPOSITES? Yes, and You are giving me grace to conquer my "negative
and complaining spirit" through SINGING PSALMS, GIVING THANKS, and SUBMISSION through QUIETNESS. The thing that has helped me most is to require myself to PRAISE those I love in at least one way every day.

THE BATTLE IS ON! THE WAR IS RAGING! YES! YES! I SHALL WIN BECAUSE YOU ARE MY JEHOVAH-NISSI, THE LORD, MY BANNER!

There is still so much sin in my life, and I do not know how much longer the battle may last, but when I look back on what I once was, I can see that You have killed some of those "Amalekites" in my life. Thank You, Lord! ... Today is our 19th wedding anniversary, and
You have reminded me of what a horrible, selfish little thing I was during those early years. I am still a selfish person, and that "Amalekite" keeps showing up, but Thank-You, dear Jehovah-nissi, that there aren't "millions" of them there like there once were. Thank You for VICTORY through Your NAME!


Yes..THE BATTLE IS ON! THE WAR IS RAGING! YES! YES! I SHALL WIN BECAUSE YOU ARE MY JEHOVAH-NISSI, THE LORD, MY BANNER!

Awhile back when the creek was still flowing (before the hot, Texas sun pretty much dried up the creek except for a few puddles), a twig with leaves fell into the creek. It was flowing along, and then all of a sudden it got "hung up" on something. For days and days it stayed "hung up", and I thought of "besetting sins"...but NOW it's GONE ! Thank You, Lord, that You can even take away our besetting sins - the ones we REALLY struggle and get "hung up" with.

...And the turtle who swam over to the bank and stuck it's head in the mud reminded me of those who aren't willing to "deal with" their besetting sins...but praise be to You, God! The turtle got out after a few days. There is always hope through Your name for those who are "stuck in the mud"!

Then You showed me today the little butterfly -flat on his back - flapping his wings furiously - struggling to fly, with no strength of this own. I walked by a little while later, and he could not be found. Did he fly away? Did You give him the strength to do so? O Lord, so often I feel like the little butterfly, with no strength of my own - HELPLESS! But You are my Jehovah-nissi, and I SHALL have VICTORY through Your name!

Yes..THE BATTLE IS ON! THE WAR IS RAGING! YES! YES! I SHALL WIN BECAUSE YOU ARE MY JEHOVAH - THE LORD, MY BANNER!

Yes, thank You for giving me a "picture" of this spiritual warfare recently during a time when we were experiencing spiritual opposition in several ways. As I was walking and praying down by the creek, I was thinking about the spiritual needs in our lives. As I looked down, there at my feet was a black SNAKE. The next day I heard a noise in the rocks, and lo and behold, there was another SNAKE. As he slipped down into the water and then out onto the bank, I tried to kill him with rocks. How I longed to kill that snake just as I long to kill the sin in our lives! After awhile I scared him away under the rocks in the water. Hallelujah! Well, the THIRD DAY IN A ROW I saw another SNAKE, and I tried desperately to KILL him, too, but I
was unsuccessful because I didn't want to get too close to him!!! He was quite mad and tried to strike the big rocks that I threw, but eventually I scared him away back into his hole. Well, Lord, a most amazing thing happened! The next day I was walking along thinking and praying about these things, and there at my feet again was another SNAKE! But this time he was DEAD!!! In fact, nothing was left of him but bones. Hallelujah! Yes, Lord, You SHALL have
VICTORY in our lives - but not by MY might or power. So many times I've tried to "throw the rocks" to KILL the sin in others' lives, but I must wait on YOU to do the work. PRAYER is my best weapon! You have shown me this again and again! "...Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the Lord of hosts." Every day since, I have not seen another snake, but I am always reminded of Your Almighty power over the "flesh" and the devil and Your promises to me when I walk by those snake bones! Thank You, Jehovah-nissi!

Jehovah M'Kaddesh

Written summer 1997-

(By the way, all these "Names of God Testimonies" were sparked after I read Kay Arthur's book, "Lord, I Want to Know You")

Jehovah M'Kaddesh, thou art the One who sanctifies me. You sanctified:a

1 ) DAY - (You) blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it...

2) PEOPLE - Israel,and

3) ME -setting me apart from the world ...

Lord, Jehovah M'Kaddesh, continue to radically change and sanctify my HEART!

O Lord, Your words to me are, "Follow...holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord." (Heb. 12: 14) I want to see You, Lord! Make me HOLY like thee! Thank You for the work that YOU have begun and that YOU have promised to finish in me! For I am.."confident of this very thing, that (You) which (began) a good work in (me) will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." (Phil. 1:6)

Ah, yes, Lord, Your day is holy, and Your Word is Holy, too! Your Word is so precious, and it is the means to my sanctification as You declared in Jn. 17:17 - "Sanctify them through thy truth:thy word is truth." Yes, Lord, may these two things always be my DELIGHT! Amen!

Jehovah-Jireh

Written summer 1997-

Jehovah -Jireh, You are the One who provides all of my needs! The place on Mt. Moriah where Abraham was willing and ready to sacrifice his precious Issac was called Jehovah -Jireh because You PROVIDED for him there, and in the same way, You are MY Jehovah -Jireh. You are my One who required a sacrifice for MY sins, but You also PROVIDED
that sacrifice by the death of Your dear Son on my behalf. Yes, You are my Jehovah -Jireh, my PROVIDER!

Also, it is said in Rom. 8:32"...that (You ) spared not (Your) own Son but delivered him up for us all, how shall (You) not with him also freely give us ALL things." Yes, my God, my Jehovah -Jireh, You SHALL supply all (my) need according to (Your) riches in glory by Christ Jesus." (Phil.4"19)

Yes, my Jehovah -Jireh, I want to give testimony that You HAVE met my needs - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. You have met my needs for food and clothes and shelter. You have also given me of Your grace time and time again to "go on" when I felt I couldn't "go
on" another step.

Many years ago when I was experiencing nausea and hypoglycemia" weakness with one of my pregnancies, I wrote in my Bible some words that I know You will remember, Lord. I wrote, "...He will supply grace to not complain and whine even though I feel lousy. He will supply grace to discipline my children and do my work even though I feel lousy. He will supply grace to study and pray even though I feel lousy. (II Cor. 12:9) His grace is made perfect through my weakness! Think of Sandra. Think of those who are pregnant in prison! Give thanks!" Jehovah -Jireh, I made it through that difficult pregnancy by Your grace. Thank You so much!

There have also been special times when You have met our needs for food and clothes and shelter, etc. in special ways! I remember the time my dear husband felt Your calling on his life to take the summer mission trip to London to learn how to witness to the Jewish people
and to minster to them there. Thank You so much for supplying the needed funds for that trip. After "scraping and scratching" around, we just barely had the money to buy that plane ticket. It was for us and our children a small step in faith and the real beginning of our trusting in You for all our needs. And then...the "bottom fell out" after he resigned his position in the church in H_______! As You know, until we came to here, he had no full-time job (just temporary ones and his own business endeavors), but You met our needs
one by one, day by day. The going was rough -- VERY ROUGH-- and many times we had to suffer, but we always had food. We always had at least one or two decent articles of clothing to wear. In so many miraculous ways You provided transportation and gas, etc. Thank You,
dear Jehovah -Jireh! Although we had no money to pay for rent, our girls were able to work in the greenhouses there between our house and the landlord's house in order to pay for our rent. It was hard -- oh SO HARD-- and many times I didn't know if we were going to make
it, but You were our Jehovah -Jireh! Hallelujah! Remember my cries to You as I prayed down by the creek there as I washed out our clothes? Yes, You remember! You allowed my washing machine to break so that I might really get close to You! Oh, I so well remember the shower and the nice bed in the air conditioned house of my parents after all that. When we had no more church, no more home, no more money, You provided a haven for me and the children. You also provided a place for my dear husband with friends while he looked for a job here. After the difficult living conditions and sickness I had experienced in the old house, I felt like I had been released from a concentration camp. O Lord, thank You that You will not give us more than we can bear!

And...Lord, Jehovah -Jireh, I must stop here and remember all of the ways in which You provided for me. I sit here this morning with a tired, aching body and headache, and I am beginning to realize that I have a great need for sleep. I didn't get enough sleep last night. O
Lord, Jehovah -Jireh, would You PLEASE provide a little bit of sleep for me today? May I "make it" till naptime, by Your grace without mentioning to anyone but to You how I feel. That would certainly be an example of Your power in my life, for I have no strength of my own to keep my lips closed. I humbly beg of You for Your grace that I might show others that You are my Jehovah -Jireh today! In Jesus' name. Amen.

P.S. Lord, here is a P.S. to my prayer. I can't fail to recount how you opened the doors for us to come here to rejoin our husband/daddy and the awe we felt as we stepped into the
country "mansion" with numerous rooms and six bathrooms! You PROVIDED the place for us to live -rent free for about 8 months. "I called upon (You) in distress: (You) answered me, and set me in a LARGE PLACE." (Ps. 118:5) You really did! You also PROVIDED the next
place and the next place where we are right now. (Both places are in the country, and I thank-you so much for that!) Yes, Thank-You! Thank-You! Thank-You!Your works are SO marvelous; for indeed, who will rent to someone with seven children? And yet, you were so good to PROVIDE for us what we needed-just at the right time! Once again - thank-You, my Lord!

The joy You gave my dear husband since coming here and the way You have promoted him at work has also been a "miracle" in answer to prayer. "Thou hast caused men to ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water: but thou broughtest us out into a
wealthy place." (Ps.66:12) Thank-You, Jehovah-Jireh!

Psalm 20:6

Psalm 20:6

Now know I that the LORD saveth his anointed; he will hear him from his holy heaven with the saving strength of his right hand.

Yes, I know that God delivers and rescues his little ones from trouble, but NOW I really
KNOW. The following excerpts from my prayer diary remind me of how God has HEARD from His holy heaven and reached down with His right hand just for me. He has "touched me"
with His strongest hand, His right hand. The deliverance has been a slow and painful process-one in which I felt the answer would NEVER come, but He "picked me up" and lifted me up to His "secret place" (Ps. 91:1), all the while thrusting out the ENEMY and saying, "DESTROY"! (Deut. 33:27) Hallelujah!
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July 17, 1998

Psalm 57:4

My soul is among lions: and I lie even among them that are set on fire, even the sons of men, whose teeth are spears and arrows, and their tongue a sharp sword.

Lord, my soul is among lions...The devil is after me... His teeth are like spears and arrows. He is shooting his darts at me, and his tongue is like a sharp sword. He whispers his lies into my ears - lies that I shall not get better and that I shall have this affliction (heavy and persistent bleeding since my miscarriage on June 16) for the rest of my short life. It's all lies, isn't it,
Lord? Yes, I do feel that I'm in the midst of FIRE. Be thou pleased to DELIVER me for thy glory!
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Aug. 19, 1998

Psalm 88:3

For my soul is full of troubles: and my life draweth nigh unto the grave.

Lord, I'm here at the doctor's office again. As I lay here on the doctor's recliner on my 20th wedding anniversary, I feel this verse very heavily, "For my soul is full of troubles: and my life draweth nigh unto the grave." Shall they have to do a D &C even yet? Will my uterus be ruptured? Will they have to do a hysterectomy? Will I die? Lord, You know the concerns I have about anesthesia and antibiotics. My body is so chemically sensitive. What if they give
me something that KILLS me? O Lord, my life seems to draw nigh unto the grave, but I will trust in You!
______________________________________________________________________
A few days later

Psalm 88:4-6

I am counted with them that go down into the pit: I am as a man that hath no strength: Free among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave, whom thou rememberest no more: and they are cut off from thy hand. Thou has laid me in the lowest pit, in darkness, in the deeps.

What is happening to my body, Lord? What is happening? The doctor switched my medication, but the medicine is KILLING ME! Dizziness, vaginal burning, burning all within my body, extreme nervousness and anxiety, heart palpitations, "brain fog", extreme hunger and thirst! Lord, I CAN'T SLEEP!..Thou hast "laid me in DARKNESS", and I have "NO STRENGTH". And my Fibromyalgia is acting up because I can't sleep. Will I die? How can I ever survive without SLEEP?

Lord, hold me! Hold me! Calm me down, and speak Your Word to my heart! You have said to me, "Fear thou not: for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I AM THY GOD: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my
righteousness." (Is. 41:10)...

O Lord, now I KNOW! The medicine must have multiplied the systemic yeast in my body! I've read before that I should never take that medicine, and how could I have forgotten, Lord? You totally BLANKED it from my mind. Surely Your hand is upon me in LOVING CHASTISEMENT! You are SOVEREIGN, Lord! Surely You wanted me to go through this horrible experience to strengthen my faith and make me less afraid. Lord, please forgive me for my fear. In Jesus' name. Amen.
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I had a really rough couple years after all that! The doctor finally gave up on me...Another one prescribed progesterone which I accidentally overdosed on. Finally another doctor prescribed
estradiol which I am still on. The bleeding at least for the present has calmed down, and I praise my Jehovah-Rapha! I praise Him also for delivering me from my moldy trailer!

Now know I that the LORD saveth his anointed; he will hear him from his holy heaven with the saving strength of his right hand!